I never truly subscribed to the belief that one person could fulfill my every need. I dreamed of an open relationship. A partnership where I was free to explore whomever I wanted both emotionally and intimately should someone worthy manifest in my life. I read about these couples all the time, but finding a like minded potential mate seemed unlikely. Not to mention the fact I always found myself in a relationship with a man who couldn’t bear the thought of sharing me regardless of his own fidelity or lack thereof.
So here I am, single AND okay with it for the first time in my life when she appeared. Although seemingly the opposite of anyone I’d be attracted too; we clicked instantly. Similar goals and values. She understands my complex mind. Our strengths and weaknesses complement each other. Like minded is an understatement. It was love at first vibe. One problem. She lives 1200 miles away.
The closest thing I’ve experienced to a long distance relationship in the past was being married to a sailor. I wish I could say that relationship prepared me for the emotions I was to experience with her. Sorting through them all has been interesting to say the least. Jealousy being the most fascinating of them all. Bree is free-spirited. Jealousy is not an emotion I subscribe too. How could I? I believe all people should be free to explore whomever whenever they please. Until now.
Suddenly I am dreaming of a monogamous relationship. As far as I’m concerned I’ve found someone with whom I’m equally yoked. Fantasy has taken over my mind and despite the 1200 miles between us and various obstacles making it difficult to visit each other let alone be together I have declared her my future. She on the other hand is not so convinced. I’m awaiting her to jump on the crazy train and give me her heart. Instead I’m watching others vie for her love and attention along with me. I want to strangle them all.
So now I’m sitting with my therapist trying to figure out how I exit the express train to insanity. I have to figure out what MY emotional needs are. Communicate them and not only accept that she doesn’t have to agree to meet them, but the consequences of whatever her choice is. She’s been on some “we’ll be friends forever” shit from the jump. I just told y’all this is my future. So what is this friendship non-sense she has been feeding me forever? Can I be just friends with this beautiful soul? Better yet, can I watch her date someone else?
So I slowly begin to accept this “right person, wrong time” conundrum I’ve been placed in. Attempting to transition from future girlfriend to the dreaded “just friends” zone when she asks about an open relationship. Omg what a great idea, right? Wrong! Suddenly I can’t bear the thought of a potential mate sharing an intimate connection with anyone other than myself. Is this new found monogamous ideal truly the result of love? Or am I attempting to control the outcome of our situation on the basis of fear?
In an attempt to sort through my feelings and identify what is truly my own belief system I happened upon a video on open relationships done by one of my favorite youtubers, Shannon Boodrum. I’m still not sure what direction I’m going, but this video left me knowing one thing for sure. Regardless of whom I end up or the structure I choose I desire a relationship so violently honest it challenges me to grow both independently and collectively. I pledge to abandon fear based relating in an effort to create a healthy union built on healthy communication, trust and the commitment to help each other (or all parties involved) fulfill our life purpose.
Please watch Shannon’s video below.
Which relationship structure resonates with you? Traditional monogamy or progressive love? Where did your belief system originate?